Astrid.
A fascinating conversation with a Cyrano de Bergerac-like writer who controls (and curates) the Hinge profile of a NYC singleton.
I loved talking to Astrid*. Loved! When I first heard about what she’s been doing as a side hustle — which is to say, running the dating profile of a friend of a friend living in New York City — I figured she’d have some entertaining anecdotes to share. And she did. But the conversation we had earlier this week went a lot deeper than that, touching on everything from proper ghosting etiquette to bruised male egos to the very real emotional labor of running someone else’s romantic life.
What follows is a condensed and edited version of our conversation. (Yes, it’s long. But worth it.)
*Not her real name
NAOMI: How would you describe yourself?
ASTRID: You mean, how would I describe myself in the context of what I do? I'm trying to think of the best words. I mean, when the opportunity first presented itself, it was pitched by a mutual friend, who said that this other friend had gotten to the point with her online dating where she was potentially going to use a third-party service. And our mutual friend said, “I think you should talk to my friend Astrid. I think she would be really good at this if you wanted a more personal touch, versus outsourcing your online dating to a third party.”
In the beginning, I thought she was looking for someone to help her craft her profile, which really excited me. I was like, “Oh, yes, I will help you sell yourself in the best way.” And it took us a few months to finally connect. It was around the holidays, so come the New Year, we finally set up a meeting and what in fact she wanted was someone to help her manage the inbox, and the sort of banter that she felt like she didn't have time for.
NAOMI: So it was a time thing.
ASTRID: Yeah, a time management thing. I mean, this is a professional woman in New York City. She’s a doctor. She just didn't have time for the “So what neighborhood are you in?” “What coffee shop do you like to go to?” kind of thing.
Initially, I think that I would've described myself in the most clinical of terms as administrative support. But as we've continued to know one another I've learned so much about her by doing this job for her. I do think that I've become sort of a kind of an emotional support and sounding board. We meet on the phone once a week. We met yesterday on the phone just to check in. Typically, it's not a long call. It's usually 20 to 30 minutes. A lot of it is just information-gathering because I'm not making anything up. I'm answering all of the inquiries as truthfully as she would. And oftentimes, if I have a quick question, I do just text her. She will answer the question back and I will use her diction and her own lingo to make it seem authentic. Sometimes I correct the punctuation, because that's my nerdy thing.
She told me she had a great date over the weekend. Since I've taken on this role, within the first week, she was like, “Holy cow.” I was just like, “Give me your availability. I will fill your dance card.” And she said yesterday that this last date was the best one that she had had.
So, I feel like we've kind of hit our groove a little bit, but then immediately she kind of jumped ahead and started telling me why it probably wouldn't work, why she probably isn't going to see him again. And at this point I feel comfortable enough to say, “Let me push back against that and play devil's advocate a little bit and tell you it's okay to have a red flag around what neighborhood the person lives in, but you've only gone out once. Don't write off a nice time.” She was talking herself out of it.
So you asked, how would I describe myself? I would say I'm equal parts administrative support and matchmaker.
NAOMI: You’re Cyrano de Bergerac!
ASTRID: Yeah, if Cyrano was a valley girl.